can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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