ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
