everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
