I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
