I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
