I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
