tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
