if only i could text you this smell
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
