omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
