i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
