It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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