I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
