the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
