Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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