You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
