Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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