If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Randomize
