I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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