Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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