He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
