guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
