new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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