When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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