A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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