I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
