I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
