yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
