you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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