A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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