Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
