I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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