i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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