I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
