i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
