i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
