why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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