I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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