True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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