THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
