Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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