Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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