Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
