im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
