Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
