I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
