the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
