This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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