I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
