Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
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