So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
