even my farts smell like vagina
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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